Previously on Chaotic: Britney and Kevin want people to know they are just like us, all they want is love. And to recap the last 4 episodes: They met, they fucked, the proposed.
A lot of the clips shown in the previously portion are unfamiliar to me. Is that because they were not aired? Or because I can’t remember this largely forgettable series? I am not sure. But there were some interesting moments involving splatter gum and a disco like pose by Kevin. Anyway, this is the final episode, and deals with their wedding. So this has less of a home video (or awful) feel and more of a promotional (or boring) feel. That means lots of static shots, and more interviews and less video.
What I learned from episode 5 of Chaotic: Britney and Kevin
- The paparazzi found out about the wedding. So they had to change their plans from a huge wedding to a small more secret wedding. Felicia (Britney’s assistant) did a lot of the work.
- The wedding was advertised as an engagement party, so some paparazzi still showed up. Still – it was largely private. How clever of the future Federlines!
- Pre-wedding Kevin sits around in his tank top t-shirt with a drink in hand. His Yankees cap sits atop his partially shaven face. This is nothing unusual.
- Two of the grooms men are Kevin’s good friends. They seemed confused by the wedding. What is today? Is the wedding now?. Kevin was shocked and surprised by this.
- Jamie Lynn (Britney’s little sister, and start of some Nickelodeon TV show) was upset. She was the last to arrive and though everyone knew about the wedding except her. Britney was shocked and surprised by this.
- Britney’s father didn’t read the invite so was unaware of the wedding at first. Britney and Kevin were shocked and surprised by this.
- Pretty much everything that happens is followed by Britney and Kevin mentioning how every was surprised and how their reactions were big shocks to the happy couple.
- Britney is crying while recounting the wedding. It is so moving and romantic!
- Kevin wore a tux at the wedding. Not even a baseball cap. Now that was a surprise.
- “I was nervous” says Kevin, “I didn’t know if she was going to run out the back. It was a happy kind of nervous.”
- Kevin cried. Or so we are told. They never show it.
- Kevin says he “never imagined getting married” and Britney adds “Neither did I”. Britney is a liar.
- Felcia caught the bouquet. And her eagerness for it is apparently very funny to everyone involved. I am personally more amused by the sproing sound effect that is added to the bouquet throwing.
- Jimmy (the best man?) informs us that he freestyled his speech. Kevin tells us the speech sucked.
- After the reception all the guys put on jumpsuits with the word PIMPS on the back and all the girls put on jumpsuits with the word MAIDS on the back. Kevin’s jumpsuit said PIMP DADDY, and Britney’s said MRS.FEDERLINE. Then its time to go clubbing.
- Britney found true love because she voiced her wishes so often. Or so she believes. I think it helped that she was willing to marry someone like Kevin Federline.
The final 15 minutes of the show is more of a making of the video. We see Britney talk about writing the song Someday and how it is about her desire to have a baby. Two weeks later she is pregnant. Amazing. Then UPN treats us with the world premiere of this very dull video. From what I can tell it is all falling leaves and Britney rubbing her belly.
Then right before the credits Kevin Federline leaves us with a final note. Britney doesn’t know about it! It’s his love note for Britney. His love note: Clips from all 5 episodes. The narration is Kevin whispering “I care. I love you. I can’t see myself with anyone else.”.
After watching all 5 episodes (3 1/2 hours if you count commercials) I feel broken.